TO THE FINE PEOPLE AT THE DMV

TO THE FINE PEOPLE AT THE CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES:

PARDON THE UPPERCASE. MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS STUCK ON. I GUESS THAT IS A PROBLEM YOU ALSO HAVE OVER AT THE DMV BECAUSE EVERY LETTER I RECEIVE FROM YOU IS ALSO IN ALL CAPS.

THIS CORRESPONDENCE IS IN RESPONSE TO THE FOURTH OR FIFTH YEARLY REGISTRATION RENEWAL YOU’VE SENT ME SINCE I SOLD THIS 1973 BMW, I AM WRITING YOU TO THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME EACH YEAR ABOUT THE FOND MEMORIES I HAD OWNING AND DRIVING THAT 1973 BMW.

YES, “HAD”. AS IN “THOSE DAYS ARE GONE”. AS IN “I NO LONGER OWN THAT CAR”.

SO THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME EACH YEAR TO RENEW THE REGISTRATION, ALTHOUGH YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SO CONSIDERATE. I’M SURE YOU’D SAVE A BUNCH ON PROCESSING AND MAILING COSTS IF YOU’D JUST TAKE THAT CAR OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.

AND YES, BEFORE YOU ASK, I HAVE ALREADY FILED A “CHANGE OF LIABILITY” FORM.

TWO IN FACT. TO REPLACE THE ORIGINAL THAT YOU CLAIMED TO HAVE NEVER RECEIVED, I FILED A REPLACEMENT IN PERSON AT THE DMV IN LOS GATOS, CA. NICE PEOPLE THERE. HAD A GREAT TIME.

A YEAR AFTER THAT EVENT, I HAD ASSUMED YOU ACKNOWLEDGED RECEIPT OF THE REPLACMENT FORM BECAUSE YOU REFUNDED OVER $200 THAT YOU STOLE FROM MY 2008 CA TAX REFUND FOR “BACK DUE” REGISTRATION, EVEN THOUGH THAT CAR HASN’T BEEN OWNED BY ME FOR SOME YEARS, AND YOU HAVE NO PROOF THAT IT HAS EVER BEEN DRIVEN ON PUBLIC ROADS, OR THAT IT IS EVEN IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA. BUT THANK YOU NONETHELESS FOR RETURNING THE MONEY YOU STOLE FROM ME. VERY KIND OF YOU. APPRECIATE IT.

SO, IF YOU HAVE A MOMENT AND YOU AREN’T DOING ANYTHING PRESSING, I’D LIKE TO ASK YOU A VERY IMPORTANT FAVOR. DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?

GOOD. BECAUSE HERE’S THE THING: THIS 1973 BMW CAR IS NO LONGER OWNED BY ME.

PLEASE UPDATE YOUR RECORDS.

PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU.

UPDATE YOUR RECORDS.

THANK YOU KINDLY,

SCOTTIE SHARPE

PS – I KNOW THAT YOU WILL FAIL TO TAKE ANY ACTION ON THIS AND I WILL BE FORCED TO COME DOWN TO THE OFFICE, WASTE AN AFTERNOON SITTING IN CHEAP PLASTIC CHAIRS WHILE TAKING IN THE AROMAS OF YOUR OTHER CUSTOMERS WHILE I FILE REPLACEMENT FORMS.

YES, I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU TOO.